29 years old. Bipolar. Alcoholic. Addict.

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Tuesday, February 7th 2012 4:54am

Wednesday 9:58pm

I’ve been in a really dark place. Darker than I’ve ever been before. I have had two panic attacks that have caused double-vision, vertigo, and my face turning numb.

Oddly enough though, I think I’m going into a manic phase. I can’t stop moving or thinking or typing. If I ever had to describe what it is like to be manic, I would say that it is like being The Doctor from Doctor Who when he’s running about thinking.

I’m not sure though.

In other news, I will be getting a tattoo covering the scars where I’ve cut myself and where I’ve attempted to kill myself. It will cover the daily reminders of my previous pain.


bipolar alcoholic addict

Thursday, September 8th 2011 1:02am

Wednesday 9:20pm

Sometimes I can’t tell if it’s the bottle of wine or being bipolar that causes me to burst into tears.

bipolar alcoholic addict

Thursday, August 11th 2011 12:21am

Wednesday 6:33pm

Insomnia is great. Actually stopping stand-up is great. No more self-loathing. No more moodswings based on complete strangers and their laughter, or lack there of. I’ve been able to work on a pilot script that I started six months ago. I’ve read two books in the past week. I’ve gone through a bottle of vodka in three days.

I’m sure that is good/bad.


bipolar alcoholic addict

Wednesday, August 10th 2011 9:37pm

Saturday 10:31pm

It’s been awhile. It’s also been a rollercoaster. I pulled a Robert Downey, Jr…not the whole reviving my acting career by playing a Marvel superhero, though if I did, I would demand to play Rogue. Actually, I drank a bottle of bourbon, took too many pills and passed out in my neighbor’s yard.

In other news, I started smoking again. Actually, I just quit quitting smoking. I’m also trying to bleach the black out of my hair because I think that might be a little bit of a warm fuzzy. Plus I have really awesome red hair. I’m on my second over the counter bleaching with no avail. *le sigh*

In other news, I’ve starting going to bipolar support groups. It’s fantastic. Afterwards I want to get really high or drunk…but I don’t think about my brain issues.


bipolar alcoholic addict

Sunday, July 31st 2011 1:36am

Tuesday 1:18am

Oddly enough I feel a kinship with Daniel Radcliffe for coming out as an alcoholic. I don’t have the nerve to publicly come out as an addict, alcoholic and mentally not all together. Alcohol helps to slow the brain down instead of my ever increasing bipolar brain speed.

I can’t sleep. Fireworks are going off all night. Seattle sounds like Dresden. Well actually, I’m sure every city in the states sounds like this. It’s as though nobody has to work in the morning.

Actually I don’t want to go to work in the morning. I’d rather lay in bed and watch Black Books for days. My life won’t pay for itself though. I was able to get out of the city and feel some sort of relief. I went to the Pacific ocean and watched the sunset…somewhat. It was the eternal gray that is the Pacific Northwest. It was lovely to go wading in the ocean though.

Sunday, my best friend and I went to a small town an hour north of the city. It was a boring little town but it was, again, nice to get out of the city.

C’est la vie.


bipolar addict alcoholic

Tuesday, July 5th 2011 4:27am

My Birthday Last Week

Last Wednesday was my birthday. I had a stand up show lined up with my favorite local comedians. It was great. I had a few beers and was enjoying my performance and everybody else’s.

That was until people started buying me shots. The shots kept coming at the comedy club. Then we went to another bar to chill and have another beer. Then people bought me more shots…and an Irish Carbomb. One person in particular, who is also bi-polar, bought me a shot of tequila and then berated me in the bathroom when I puked. They yelled at me saying that I was a bad bi-polar for getting drunk too much, not really true. It really bummed me out.

Who does that kind of shit? Buys you a shot and then yells at you for drinking it. Ugh.

I hate being this bummed out. It’s another thing that has really pushed me into a dark place. Suicide thoughts come and go. I’ve started crying while watching Star Trek. Fucking Star Trek (original series of course). One of my favorite things. Fuck.


bipolar alcoholic addict

Friday, June 17th 2011 1:10am

Monday 11:23pm

Though I saw Burke and Hare, which was an amazing comedy, I sunk into a deep, dark place. I’ve started self-medicating with alcohol and klonopins and weed…and Star Trek. Captain Kirk makes things so much easier to deal with.

I got a hold of a couple of friends to see if they would get a drink with me and just be a support person for me. They were all too busy getting ready for bed.

I really need to not work late so I can go to bi-polar support groups and maybe meet somebody that I can call late at night and just cry and talk to somebody who has gone through what I have been going through.


alcoholic biploar bi-polar addict

Tuesday, June 7th 2011 10:47am

Thursday 9:51pm

Klonopins couldn’t kick in fast enough right now. My birthday is next week. I’m ready to leave the office and go get drunk before the midnight showing of X-Men: First Class. I’m excited and anxious. My anxieties are starting to rule my world. I’ve been smoking a ton of pot just to keep a bit level. For some reason I believe that getting drunk will make it all go away.


alcoholic addict bipolar

Friday, June 3rd 2011 12:54am

Monday 1:26am

I love that rush of warmth from the first alcoholic drink of the day/morning/whatever. I imagine it is what it’s like when a vampire drinks blood…or what heroin injected into the vein feels like.

Monday, May 30th 2011 4:25am